Sunday we went to church and the sermon spoke on the premise that once people are delivered from certain events in their lives they often forget the specifics of whatever it was that held them captive in the first place. This specific sermon resonated with me in a major way. Lately, I have found myself in a constant sense of retrospective thinking, while not being able to recall those things which I so desperately want to relive. Why? I don’t know.
I often find myself thinking back to the days when my husband and I were an unhappily married young couple struggling financially to take care of an infant and at the time my ailing mother. Nothing in our life was right, on a daily basis I often questioned why we got married and was often disappointed in myself that at the time my salary would never be enough for me to leave and care for my son and mother without my husband’s help. I cried and prayed and prayed and cried. I knew my life wasn’t supposed to be that way, but I didn’t see a way out, a glimmer of hope, nor a light at the end of the tunnel. All I saw were overdue notices, people who looked just as miserable as me on my train rides to and from work because we only had one car….and my son’s smile and milestones. Those smiles and milestones kept me moving, and praying that God indeed had something much better for us.
Then there it was, the pinhole. The light started shining, although not the brightest, but we were squinting. Love started conquering all, we bought a house, we were living the dream..sort of. Mommy died, while physically we were moving up, emotionally I fell back down. Grief ensued, I tucked into myself and one day I had the resolve to beat those feelings, pick myself up and continue on. We had come so far after all. New cars followed much deserved promotions, faith and determination fueled our conquests. The hard work was paying off, we kept it moving. We’ve done a ton in five years and if we got through that mess we can surely get through anything together. Life has surely dealt us its wrath and compassion through heartbreak and immeasurable rewards.
So why am I so enamored with the past? What was back there that is holding my thoughts captive. I speculate that I really want to know when the change came, but I can’t remember. I wish I would have blogged that part of my life to chart my growth, or maybe the pastor was right, and God allows us to conquer things to never revisit them again because their purpose has been served…to move us to the next level. I just wonder why my thoughts can’t leave well enough alone.
I know I’m not the only one out there..Have you ever overcome something and can’t remember anything except for the fact that it happened and some photos?