I’m a realist…depending on the day. The gears that churn in my head are always moving. ALWAYS. So last week when I found myself stressed out I really took some time to see what I can do to prevent myself from going off on on these tangents from time to time. I eventually came to the conclusion that feeling overwhelmed is a natural part of life and these emotions come. The integral part in getting through these times is knowing that they are temporary and refusing to wallow in the depths of despair for day/months/years at a time. I give myself a max of 5 days and then I have to get up and do something. Too much to be thankful for.
While in my feelings, I came to the epiphany that alot of my anxiety comes from not wanting to be like my mother. Yes, that’s what I said. I love my mother, she was a wonderful mother and set many examples..some to be followed others not so much.
As parents we make decisions and teach our children based on our life experiences. We teach them what we know. As they grow into adulthood it is up to them to learn what in those lessons works and what doesn’t.
My mother had a hard time letting go of the past, and was known for starting and not finishing things. She left this earth with many of her dreams written in journals that I recently spent time reading. Nothing was exceptionally difficult, but she couldn’t let go of hiccups in her past and as a result she was never able to move forward.
It hit me. Sometimes the best things we learn from our parents is not to be like them, and there is nothing wrong with that. I am terrified that I will leave here like my mother did, never completing any of my dreams. I know this sounds crazy but it’s so true. As I watched my mother hold on to so many trivial things from her past I learned early on that I never wanted to be like that. I never wanted people to have that sort of control over me. While they’re sleeping on 198,523,936 thread count sheets, drooling and snoring I’m seething mad. NEVER.
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My children need to know that they can do anything they set their minds to. The pressure is on my husband and I to not only tell them this but to set a tangible example. They need to know all people won’t hurt them, and if someone does they must move on and categorize that person as such and not limit themselves by thinking everyone else is the same. I’m just thankful I havebeen able to conjure up the strength to move beyond what I was shown as a child and make my own way. I’m sure there will be many things that we will do wrong as parents but I pray that the children are able to see and rectify those things in their adult lives.
What did your parent(s) teach you that you vow to not pass on to your children? Are you there yet? Hard isn’t it.
18 Comments
YUMMommy
January 24, 2012 at 4:48 amI too have learned the same lesson. I watched mom give up on so many of dreams because the ppl she thought should have been in corner weren’t. They were he biggest haters in fact.
I’ve learned from that situation to be own biggest cheerleader and to base my success on what others think of me. I’ve also learned that you cut negative energy out of your life even if it does come in the shape & form of family. Blood is not always thicker than. Cain and Abel taught me that.
I try to keep myself surrounded by positive ppl who are about chasing their dreams & seeing others do the same. My mom was never able to really cultivate friendships that were true. She didn’t take time for herself to have a life outside of work & kids & trying to fix a dead end marriage. That will not be me!
kita
January 24, 2012 at 9:21 amMy mom gave up her dreams for me and that I can understand. I am the opposite I never took my mother teachings because I always thought she was wrong on a lot of things but I am learning that 90% of what she taught me is true and if I had listened to half the things she use to tell me I would not be in the situation I am in today. I strive to be better than my mother in the way of making sure I have my education and that my children get theirs.
Reginia
January 24, 2012 at 9:39 amMy mother taught my sister and I to be independent in our thoughts and dreams. She also taught us to think outside the box yet set realistic goals. This was a blessing and a curse for me. I am extremely Type A and things are either black or white. I am trying to be ok with the “grey area”. My intense way of doing things have limited friendships. If I ever become a mother, I will help my children to foster authentic friendships because I never did.
I
GG
January 24, 2012 at 10:15 amI often ponder this subject and also reflect on what habits and patterns I’m ingraining in my kids. I know that both of my parents held things in. They didn’t talk candidly with me about their hopes and dreams and pain and challenges. They loved me and taught me to do my best in school and be a good person and be reliable but they never taught me to believe in myself or that I could live outside of the box. They never taught me to be creative with my life. Like you said, they did the best they could with what they knew for themselves.
With this understanding, I’m practically beating everything that I missed out on into my kids. To believe in themselves unconditionally, how to understand fear and overcome it, to be self-motivated and true to themselves no matter what…and also trying to be that tangible example for them. And yes it’s hard but it’s also motivating. When I feel overwhelmed or like I want to give up, I can’t because I know they’re watching 🙂
Latorsha
January 24, 2012 at 10:30 amLove this post! There are some things I want to always keep that my mom has taught me. One of those things is having faith.
But I don’t think my mom (parents) really saw beyond that of their life and family history regarding making it to the next level. For example they didn’t push for me to go to college, the pushed for me to get a job…because well, that is just what you do.
Well I understood that, but I knew I could do more. So I went to college, and have met numerous goals. etc. etc.
I like that you are willing to finish working towards those dreams because you know that you can achieve them.
Amanda_Nicole
January 24, 2012 at 11:54 amOh my what a question. Its truly something to think of. I love my mother but she surely holds on to the past in her marriage and life situations. Another thing is that she will throw anything she knows about you in your face. I’m guilty of both. 🙁 After this post I will learn to change these bad habits. She’s very independent and that much I can say is the best assest of her ways I’m greatful to have taken. I must think more into this because once I become a mother I want my children to see the best in me.
Cam | Bibs & Baubles
January 24, 2012 at 1:17 pmMimi, you did it with this one. This line gave me chills “My children need to know that they can do anything they set their minds to. The pressure is on my husband and I to not only tell them this but to set a tangible example.” I have been saying this since my son was born. He’s given me a while now motivation for finishing what I start. We want to be the example he thinks of when he thinks of people making their dreams come true and knowing it’s possible for him too!!! This post is spot on!
Cam | Bibs & Baubles
January 24, 2012 at 1:18 pmshould say “a whole new” motivation. Too excited and typing too fast!
Krissy
January 24, 2012 at 2:43 pmTo be honest, my parents have shown me by example the right way to do things. There is nothing I can think of that they have done that I wouldn’t do. Life is about trial and error. They went threw all of their trials so we would not have to live with the errors. I am thankful to them for that.
Amber
January 24, 2012 at 3:12 pmOhh, chile this was a good one! I appreciate your candor. My parents showed me a lot of what NOT to do in life and love. I made decisions very early on in my life that my children would not be subjected to the grief, stress, and strain I witnessed growing up. Like Cam said, my daughter has given me the strength and motivation to live out my dreams! I want her to be proud of me and to have me as her mother. Ok, let me stop here…there’s so much I can say! You know I always feel you when it comes to this topic! I’ll save the rest for our first Skype session. LOL
Candace (NYStateofMom)
January 24, 2012 at 10:09 pmActually my dad taught me this lesson and it’s one I will pass on to Chunks because getting stuck in feelings doesn’t help change anything, your mother sounds a lot like mine. One thing I need to get over and help Chunks NOT do is to fear stepping out because of a possible NO.
Baby Shopaholic
January 25, 2012 at 3:27 pmI agree! Love my mom to pieces but we are total opposites!
KalleyC
January 25, 2012 at 6:43 pmLove this! My mom and me are opposites. My parents have taught me so many wonderful things, but the one lesson that I walked away with, is the one they didn’t mean to teach: how to argue fair.
Too many times there was the silent treatment, and of course my dad not having a clue to why my mom wasn’t speaking at the moment. I’ve learned (by watching them) to argue fair and not assume the other party know what’s going on.
You don’t have to yell, but both parties should be heard, and the issue should be talked out. Then we can all move on.
Aside from that, they did show me how to have a loving marriage and relationship. After all, they always made up and apologized to each other after a disagreement.
foodfashionandflow
January 25, 2012 at 9:48 pmWow, this struck such a chord with me. My mother and I are opposites. One of the things my mother always did was make me feel like my dreams weren’t attainable or that I should go with the path of least resistance. My mother would often steer me towards safe jobs or careers because that would be a” guaranteed paycheck” and I wasted a lot of years not chasing my dreams because I had been conditioned to go with what was safe and predictable and it kept me in bondage. And then I decided to chase after my dreams no matter who thought I couldn’t do it even if it was my mother. I vow never to stifle my sons dreams and to encourage him to chase after them boldly and leave his footprint in the sky for reaching for what brings him joy rather than a paycheck.
http://foodfashionandflow.blogspot.com/
Mimi
January 28, 2012 at 11:30 pmSame here! I think during that time they worked the same job until they retired. It was taught to them that way. I just think we have so much more knowledge now and to stifle our children would be tragic. I plan to tell my children if they wish to take the safe route that is fine with me but if they choose to go outside of the box I will support them just the same.
Patrice
January 27, 2012 at 9:28 pmI enjoyed this post because it really provoked a great deal of personal reflection for me. My parents are so smart, but I think they sold themselves short for what they considered to be peace of mind. I’m very driven and take many risks because I know the end results and see the results of not doing so. Love them dearly, but my mama is so skilled — she could have been a millionaire
Looms, Lids, and Layers
January 27, 2012 at 11:26 pmMimi! This is an awesome post… So honest and touching. I love my mom but I cannot be like her. I know I will try my best to show my child that she is my priority and she is important. My mom didn’t do a great job in that area. My grandfather was the key role model in my life and the inspirational contributor who influenced most of the successes in my life. He taught me to be the best at whatever it is that I do.
Gerri
January 29, 2012 at 3:45 pmGreat post — and yes, I’ve learned quite a bit from my parents. Some good, some bad. Fortunately my parents have always been super supportive. But they’re not perfect. They’ve made mistakes. Plenty. And I’ve observed and learned. Parents are our first and most important teachers — even when they are the example. Unfortunately many fall victim to their parents’ criticism and/or end up just like the side of their parent(s) they despise the most. I’m with you: NOT I. I’m gonna be better. And I hope my children will say the same.