Becoming a mother by far has been THEE most intimidating and daunting task in my life yet. When I had my son, I threw myself wholeheartedly into motherhood and quickly found myself in a bad space. Prior to having children I travelled, I shopped, I was an all around fun person. Wherever the party was, I was there. So to go from being an outgoing person to a home ridden young mother I was miserable.
I quickly found that it was not necessary to forego “me” to be a mom. With the birth of my daughter I was determined not to fall in that rut again. As hard as it has been I have been making an effort to make sure I get out as often as I can to enjoy some of the things that I did before I had children.
Recently, I have noticed that some people have thrown themselves into motherhood, to the point that every discussion they have or tweet or blog about is their children, breastfeeding, poop, etc. I have nothing against that, we all have our own purpose in life, but it has caused me to think that maybe I am selfish. I mean when I became a mother I knew that was a huge undertaking that would involve giving of myself unconditionally and maybe I am supposed to obsess about parenting and such…or maybe not.
I had a conversation with a good friend of mine and we discussed whether some mothers really enjoy motherhood as much as they proclaim. I am starting to think that some women are groomed to be mothers and they find worthiness in keeping house. But I have come to realize that won’t work for me. I’ve even beat myself up in the process but in the end, its settled… I must have balance. Even if its only a girls night out once a month or conversations regarding nail polish, the fall fashions or the latest song on the radio. I need those interactions. They complete me. They make me feel good.
I didn’t realize how much so until last week when I got together with a couple of women I totally adore and we had a nail polish party. We drank wine, ate cake pops and laughed. It felt good. This past weekend I joined a couple of friends for dinner at a new restaurant here in the city. Again, I felt alive.
My question to you…Is it really possible to love motherhood so much that you no longer care about or even try to do the things that once made you happy or is it all a facade? Do you think its really important to try to find that balance in your life…does it matter?
22 Comments
Sha Boogie
June 20, 2011 at 4:47 pmBalance is a must! I agree with you that someone folks are just born to parent.. but me? I need some ‘me’ time to enjoy life; sans child to maintain my sanity. A happy mommy = a happy baby! lol
Candace
June 20, 2011 at 7:58 pmI know I was born to be a mom and I throw myself 100% into parenting and getting involved and active in everything Chunks but I’m a woman first so balance is a MUST!! I try to get in a girls night at least twice a month and bi-weekly manicures I realize do so much for me.
I really want to do more on my own stuff but in time I’m sure I find it. But yes I agree I need something other than Mother-hood to feel alive.
Crystal
June 20, 2011 at 8:12 pmThanks for sharing this mimi.. I will be sharing this post with a friend who is pregnant now!! i know she will be inspired.. she has the same personality an flyness as you, but i can already see people are trying to make her feel like once she has her baby, its all about that only!!! As i told her, that is Not true..i told her some of those same woman who are telling her its okay to say goodbye to her old life, now look tore down, have no regular girlfriends and their husbands and their marriages have lost the spunk… But since i am a single woman with no kids, i am usually out numbered with all the mommies in the room, so they look at me sometimes saying what does she know. . … What i know is Flyness should never fade. Thanks for being an example of that over the years.. You are one fly mama and wife!!!! Love ya much!!!
StephanieinSuburbia
June 20, 2011 at 8:26 pmI’m really struggling with this myself. I don’t have a lot of mommy friends so for awhile I clung to anyone who would let me discuss my baby. And then I feared those people were alienated by how incredibly boring I was. I mean, I have friends who can ONLY talk about, think about, go out with their kids. And like you said, maybe that works for them. But it’s a really horrifying thought for me. And yet somehow I can’t go out, shop, talk or whatever without feeling like “I am just a mom now.” Like I don’t feel cool enough to be anything but a mom. Because as much as I would like to, I don’t always have a lot to talk about outside of my baby. And that frightens me.
attorney2be
June 20, 2011 at 8:39 pmI’m sure as you can see from my tweets, I balance being a single mother and having fun. I work full time. I spend time with my son. I hang out with my friends. I travel. I shop. I love life and I don’t think I could have ever been that person to just throw myself into motherhood. I have never regretted working and not being a stay at home mom. I don’t regret leaving my son with his grandma or sister. I need me time and this is what keeps me sane. I’m glad you got out and enjoyed a good time with your friends. Try to do it at least once a month.
Cynthia@Beach Coast Style
June 20, 2011 at 8:39 pmyes, you must find balance or it will drive you insane. I had my kids later which meant I did it up before I had them but, soon after I was longing for a little of that but didn’t know how to mesh it all. I later figured it out but it took awhile. I must say stay true to who you are and if you don’t after awhile you won’t know who you are.
Christina
June 20, 2011 at 10:37 pmI’m one whose always taking about my kid, lol! But that’s because my life kinda revolves around Izzy:/ I don’t have any friends who still live in my city, or even the same state, so girls night out is kinda out of the question for me. I actually find that I don’t have enough in common with most of the people that I meet to really make friends. (online is a totally dif story though, because it eliminates that distance factor, and I’ve met amazing people!) I really crave that though.
Before we were wives and girlfriends and moms, we were friends, and women. adding a new layer to who you are should never take away from who you were (unless you were awful, lmbo!) A break from the mundane wash, rinse, repeat of everyday life is important for everyone, and you deserve that! And without feeling guilty about it!
Rose's daughter
June 21, 2011 at 12:43 pmWhen I first became a mom, I thought I was supposed to forgo everything and that my main purpose in life was to be with and about my child. That got old quickly. I don’t know if it’s because I didn’t become a mom until I was 33 or what, but that was not happening. I had a life before Pookah, and I wanted that life back. What has happened instead is that I am struggling to find balance. Because I have to. I can’t always talk about one thing, and even though my life in someways always revolves around Pookah and his needs, I am finding ways to carve out time for me and the things I like to do.
fran
June 21, 2011 at 1:25 pmBalance is a must. When I had my son I did things with him 24/7… I forgoed going out with my LS and other friends. With my last two children, I make it a priority to do what is good for me so I def go out more. I think that there are people geuinely happy to play the mommy role 24/7 but once the kids are out of the house they are lost..
Kita
June 21, 2011 at 1:32 pmI agree with Christina I don’t have any friends who live near me either and I would love to have a girls night out or just have some time to myself but thats easier said than done. Not all mothers have that help to be able to get out and do things. I have always been a person who loved going out and doing things and I did that until I had no babysitters or anyone around to get the kids. I do try to take one day a week for myself even if it’s going to starbucks or the library alone. It’s important to carve out some time to yourself if you can.
Mama Violet
June 21, 2011 at 1:33 pmI’m a party girl myself and I still need a bit of the party in my life. I think it makes me a better mama because I don’t feel like I’m missing out and carrying over those feelings when spending time with baby. Getting out also helps me relieve stress because it’s not always sh*ts and giggles staying home with V.
Jessica
June 21, 2011 at 2:33 pmBalance is key! I am weary of moms who give so much of themselves to motherhood and keep so little for themselves. I think what keeps me sane as a mom is having time for myself, doing the things that I did before I became a mom that make me happy, like spending time with friends, writing, music, etc.
Baby Shopaholic
June 21, 2011 at 3:00 pmMimi, I was just like you! I used to get the party started, travel… just do what ever! Up until the last few months I was totally consumed with everything Peyton! I was happy being with her all the time, but I thought, is this all I can do now? There are some things I would like to do for myself. Now I am getting back in the game and being the ring leader for my girls and getting us out of the house again. I think they appreciate the push as well!
krissy
June 21, 2011 at 3:18 pmI have never been a huge partier so I’m not missing out on that at all but there should always be a balance. I make time to spend with my friends. Planning and trip to visit honey W/O jasmine. It a task just to remember to take time for yourself. I’m a single mother and my child is my responsibilty solely. That’s another reason I don’t get out much. I hate feeling like I’m putting my child off on other people. Although no one feels like that but me lol. People always ASK to watch her. Its just a matter of me accepting those offers more often. The other she gets the more I realize we need time apart or we will drive eachother crazy quickly lol.
Carla
June 21, 2011 at 4:28 pmThis was something that I struggled with for about a year. It was the most miserable year of my life. I literally forgot who I was as an individual and life just became so robotic and repititious to me. My purpose became so foreign and so distant.
Just as you mentioned, I realized that I can still have fun as long as there is a balance and as long as there is moderation. It has made me mentally healthier and I had rediscovered who I was. I think every mother goes through a time where they get lost in everything that goes on around them. And it’s only a few that realize that you can still live your own life aside from motherhood.
Prototype Mama
June 21, 2011 at 6:34 pmGee wizz this is a great post— I too have found myself feeling selfish about wanting to have my ‘mommy me time’ and found that during the months that I don’t take that special day or two to kick it with the girls or have a relaxing day just doing whatever that makes me feel rejuvenated, I tend to be…… let’s say ‘not to friendly’ to those who are around. 😉 I really think that it IS necessary to have that balance as a women/mother to help you maintain who you are.
Great post— def. sharing because I think alot of women are falling short in this area!
Nicole
June 21, 2011 at 8:46 pmFinding balance as a mom is crucial. I don’t think its always the moms fault or they’re being phony…..often times although you’re married if your spouse doesn’t respect you as a woman, first you don’t have the support you need to have “me time”.When we can find balance its a beautiful thing.
Nikki
June 22, 2011 at 7:40 amSo funny that you wrote this because I just declared this summer the Summer of Us! The Us being, women! There is absolutely nothing wrong with taking a little time to be you! Just you! Not mommy, not wife, or any of the other dozen titles we all have. I am a firm believer that we need to have time for ourselves to do whatever it is that makes us feel like “us” again. Whether it be just some time by yourself or some time with the girlfriends. You shouldn’t feel guilty about wanting to escape every now and then. It doesn’t mean you love your family any less…it means you love yourself enough to know when you need a break!
Jasmine
June 22, 2011 at 2:40 pmI’m am trying to figure this out now…I feel like in order to be a good mom, that’s not on edge all the time, I need a non-mom outlet at least once a month. It’s been hard because I feel like I always thought that being “the best mom” meant that you didn’t go out and didn’t need “me time”, but especially since I have been home this summer, I’ve realized that it is so not true…lol
Optimistic Mom
June 22, 2011 at 8:38 pmBalance is absolutely necessary! My son is 4 and I am really just finding a reasonable balance. For me living and breathing motherhood every moment was very overwhelming. I had to make some “me” time. I commend you for attending the nail party, and I am a bit jealous. lol
Again, balance is essential.
Kiea
June 28, 2011 at 12:26 amI don’t care what type of mother you are, no ONE PERSON ON THIS EARTH wants to be around a baby ALL DAY EVERY DAY!! I’m screaming b/c it annoys how mothers act like that’s what they were born to do. I’m a mother and I was a stay at home mom. It was wonderful and a blessing to watch my daughter grow but she got tired of me as much as I got tired of her. When my husband would walk in the door she would flee from me just being exciting to see another face. You’re a better mother when you just take a break. Balance is key! You’re a wonderful mom! I definitely take pointers from you:)
Come on baby light my fire « Prototype Mama
July 21, 2011 at 7:48 pm[…] 1. Mimi @ Lipgloss & Binky […]