Lately my mind space has been occupied with a dilemma I’ve been having regarding my relationship with another individual. In the past, said person has spewed some pretty hurtful words and even more shady actions. After receiving what I felt was a heartfelt apology about their uncouth behavior and lack of civility, I was under the impression that we could indeed move on as friends and not look back at the past.
Wrong.
Lately, this person has been trying to reach out to me and I am feeling myself becoming enraged about the whole situation all over again. I hate reliving the past. I truly believe in the whole let bygones be bygones thing. I mean how can you ever move forward if you keep looking in the rearview mirror.
So here’s the deal. I am thinking that I am still upset because I never got to say my piece. I listened to their side of the story, and let it be. Although the relationship was never like it once was, it has been functional. Phone calls, emails, texts, social media, you know the story. I never felt like I needed to justify my feelings, so I didn’t. I didn’t solicit an apology it was brought to me. So now, some time later I am finding myself upset again. I mean so upset that I can’t answer the phone or have any contact with the person. It is not going to be too much longer that I can continue on this way based on the level of our association.
Here’s where you come in.
Do I reach out to the person and let them know why I was initially upset?
Do I totally get over myself, and force myself to move on. After all I had the opportunity to say my piece and I didn’t?
Do I throw the deuces, whip my hair back and forth and give them the *side eye* if they continue to try reaching out?
I am really thinking I should pray about it and ask God to allow me to fully forgive them and move on as normal without opening my mouth…easier said than done.
Is it really possible to forgive AND forget? 
Whatchu say?!
9 Comments
Kita
March 15, 2011 at 7:18 pmNo you will never forget. Forgiving has been hard for me also because I can’t seem to forgive either but you can’t live thinking about the what if’s in order for you to move on you have to either tell the person how you feel or move on and just let it be. I think it depends on how deep the bond was or is that will determine how you go about the situation. I had a situation the other day with someone who just did not vibe with me and I her. So the bond was not as deep so we were able to say our peace and move on and decided it was best to cut all contact. Good luck in whatever you decide and go with your heart.
Alicia
March 15, 2011 at 8:35 pmOk. I have been in this situation. How much does the friendship mean to you? Is it worth saving? It must be or you wouldnt be so upset about this. I think that you should tell your friend exactly how you feel. How you didnt give yourself a chance to say what you needed to say, but now you need to get it off your chest. Tell the person how you feel and what is on your mind. Say it, and then be done with it! Otherwise your unsaid feelings will just keep brewing and if you cut off all contact with the person after they apologized, they will not understand what happened. I believe everyone deserves a second chance, and it is possible to forgive. Maybe not forget, but def forgive. I have been where you are before and it is difficult to go back and say what is on your mind, but I promise once you do you will feel so much better! Just say a prayer to God before you talk to the friend and let the chips fall where they will! I hope this helps! 🙂
Jessica
March 15, 2011 at 9:06 pmOhh. This one is hard I think I would tell the person why I was upset in the first place. Sometimes, the things that we think are so obvious are not as obvious to those who have hurt us. By revealing what is bothering you, you will have the peace you need to move in and potentially make amends. Even if you choose to make amends with that person, in saying what has been bothering you, you will regain a sense of control over your feelings, your emotions, and your past. It’s all about you!
YUMMommy
March 15, 2011 at 9:12 pmI’m all for forgiving but the Bible warns us about forgetting. Forgetting will have you in the same the situation that got you hurt from the start. I say pray on it too. But also, I think that you need to let the person know how you feel. It’s never too late to speak your piece. Then from there you can decide whether or not you would like to ask the person to cease contact or just to fall back for a while so that you can sort through your emotions.
Caramel Glam
March 15, 2011 at 9:28 pmFirst you should pray about it and seek God’s desire for you to handle this situation.
I don’t see anything wrong if you mention the issues you had in the past. You can tell him/her “hey I know you apologized and I appreciate it but I need to get some stuff off of my chest.” You can let them know you aren’t trying to rehash the past but you won’t be able to move forward.
How the person reacts will let you know how important you are to them. If this person values you and the friendship then they should roll with it. If they fly off the handle chuck them the deuces!
krissy
March 16, 2011 at 3:28 amPraying about it is an excellent idea chicky. I think even tho some time has passed you still need to tell this person why you were even upset to begin with. Its really nessisary if you want to retain a friendship with them.
Peyton's Mom
March 16, 2011 at 10:25 amDefinately Pray! but…. If you think saying your peace won’t actually change how you feel about the person then throw up the deuces! Its really hard to forget. Good Luck!
kirstie@bonhomie jewelry
March 16, 2011 at 12:33 pmhey, girl! such an interesting question…….i always believed that if you truely forgive someone, it’s a done deal. no more angst. especially as a christian. but then i couldn’t figure out why negative feelings about a situation kept resurfacing – i’d forgiven them so what’s the deal? i must not be very christian, right? wrong. a speaker at a “women of faith” conference i attended shed some light: forgiveness isn’t an action. it’s a process. a process that may have to be repeated repeatedly. daily. hourly. over and over again. so it isn’t unusual for bad feelings to keep coming up. and i don’t necessarily believe that these feelings mean that some additional action is required on your part – aside from forgiving. again. i do agree with “YUMmommy”. true forgiveness does not require that we forget. but also, it isn’t conditional. it’s not “i’ll forgive you if you let me have my say” or “i’ll forgive you if you x,y,z……..” forgiveness doesn’t require anything of the person being forgiven. forgiveness is a process that requires OUR action. over and over again. it ain’t easy being a christian 🙂 matthew 18:21-22
of course, all of this is my two cents. prayer is the way to go.
MrsTDJ
March 31, 2011 at 4:24 pmI’m oh so late to the party, but had to speak on this subject as it’s very close to heart at this very moment. I’m in the thick of it with a friend who has apologized and wants to act as if nothing ever happened. Has gone so far as to shut me down when I bring the subject up. ***crickets*** I’ve prayed on it which led to writing my thoughts out on paper. I’m planning to initiate a convo this weekend because I really do NEED to express my feelings. Good luck to you sis.