Family Life

Can’t Leave Well Enough Alone

Sunday we went to church and the sermon spoke on the premise that once people are delivered from certain events in their lives they often forget the specifics of whatever it was that held them captive in the first place. This specific sermon resonated with me in a major way. Lately, I have found myself in a constant sense of retrospective thinking, while not being able to recall those things which I so desperately want to relive. Why? I don’t know.

I often find myself thinking back to the days when my husband and I were an unhappily married young couple struggling financially to take care of an infant and at the time my ailing mother. Nothing in our life was right, on a daily basis I often questioned why we got married and was often disappointed in myself that at the time my salary would never be enough for me to leave and care for my son and mother without my husband’s help. I cried and prayed and prayed and cried. I knew my life wasn’t supposed to be that way, but I didn’t see a way out, a glimmer of hope, nor a light at the end of the tunnel. All I saw were overdue notices, people who looked just as miserable as me on my train rides to and from work because we only had one car….and my son’s smile and milestones. Those smiles and milestones kept me moving, and praying that God indeed had something much better for us.

Then there it was, the pinhole. The light started shining, although not the brightest, but we were squinting. Love started conquering all, we bought a house, we were living the dream..sort of. Mommy died, while physically we were moving up, emotionally I fell back down. Grief ensued, I tucked into myself and one day I had the resolve to beat those feelings, pick myself up and continue on. We had come so far after all. New cars followed much deserved promotions, faith and determination fueled our conquests. The hard work was paying off, we kept it moving. We’ve done a ton in five years and if we got through that mess we can surely get through anything together. Life has surely dealt us its wrath and compassion through heartbreak and immeasurable rewards.

So why am I so enamored with the past? What was back there that is holding my thoughts captive. I speculate that I really want to know when the change came, but I can’t remember. I wish I would have blogged that part of my life to chart my growth, or maybe the pastor was right, and God allows us to conquer things to never revisit them again because their purpose has been served…to move us to the next level. I just wonder why my thoughts can’t leave well enough alone.

I know I’m not the only one out there..Have you ever overcome something and can’t remember anything except for the fact that it happened and some photos?


  • Reply
    January 25, 2011 at 11:37 am

    I can totally relate to your story. I thank God for pictures because if I didnt have them, I’m afraid it would be a distant memory for me. I’m glad your lemons are now a sweet taste of lemonade!!!!

  • Reply
    January 25, 2011 at 1:34 pm

    People say good things come to those that wait. I have given up sometimes with the waiting and I need words of encouragement sometimes to keep the faith. Everyone dwells on life and the what ifs. You know how loosing a mother feels but sometimes I wish if I had did things differently would she still be alive. I am glad things are turning around for you makes me feel like there is still hope for others.

  • Reply
    January 27, 2011 at 4:38 pm

    Girl, that is so real! I know EXACTLY what you mean. I can honestly say that it is through God’s miraculous blessings that we are able to live the life we lead now. It is so scary to look at your child and fear being able to have the means to care for them. Like you, I look back on those days and find inspiration. Especially on those extra icky days when I think things are just not going my way, I remember that I could be worse!

  • Reply
    Candace (NYStateofMoM)
    January 28, 2011 at 12:26 am

    OH GOD YES!! Your story sounds like the one I’m wirting now, and I hope that by the 5 yr mark we can say the same thing and look back to where we’ve been. There are times that I still can’t think back to and not either get mad/sad/pissed, etc but I’m working on letting it go and looking forward. I love your story and I can’t wait to see all the bigger and better for the both of you and those 2 beauties.

  • Reply
    Caramel Glam
    January 31, 2011 at 11:24 pm

    This was so honest! I love it I also lost my mother so I can relate to that part of this story. I appreciate your honesty regarding your marriage. Most importantly I am glad things got better.


  • Reply
    February 2, 2011 at 6:20 pm

    I’m trying to overcome all of that right now! Whew! I thought I was the only that questioned why I married my husband! And we just got married…smh But I believe it’s everything you mention with the exception of losing a love one. We’re tired, tired, tired…Currently we’re staying with relatives with a one year in the middle of us. I’m still not working and I’ve been turned down from TWO really big opportunities to work. My husband is trying to remain positive but I would be lying if I said I wasn’t over this. I’ll be glad when we can see the light at the end of tunnel. I have refreshed my spiritual walk with Christ but I feel bad b/c I fee it’s just not enough…

  • Reply
    February 7, 2011 at 10:07 am

    Powerful, thanks for sharing as always! I am catching up on my blog reading, and GOD is good. I really needed to read and reflect on this concept today. See how God works, WOW!

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